My Testimony
God saved me and became my heavenly Father on Sunday morning, February 2nd, 2025, and I'm so thankful for the many many chances that He gave to me!
I had been living a lie and trying to make myself and others believe that it was real since August of 2017. I believed that God is who He says He is in the Bible, and that Jesus really did come and give his life as a sacrifice for me. I knew that I needed to repent and have faith, and so I prayed a prayer in which I told the Lord I didn't want my sin any more and I wanted his gift of salvation, and I truly believed that he had saved me for a while.
Through the years though, I had many times of doubt. I knew I was struggling to live like a Christian should, and that there should be a desire in my heart to follow Christ and have a relationship with Him, but that was missing. I knew that there should be fruit in my life, but I didn't feel like there was. All the things I was doing to serve God and "be a Christian", things that could have been seen as fruit, were things I was forcing myself to do because I knew they were right. I had "spiritual highs" from time to time when hearing a message or attending a conference, where I wanted to do the right thing, serve the Lord, have a relationship with him, and have victory over my sin; but the natural desire for those things that stems from the presence of the Holy Spirit in a Christian's life, that fuels a Christion to live for God and walk with Him, just wasn't there. I kept telling myself that if I just made myself do the right things, the desire for them would follow, but it never did. I just kept stumbling and falling back into sin and out of the walk with the Lord that I was trying so hard to maintain. When I would aknowledge these things it would lead to a time of doubt. During those times I would inevitably examine my salvation testimony and arrive at the conclusion that I hadn't missed anything. I had checked all the boxes on the crucial steps needed for salvation. Then I would tell myself that I must be saved then, and I just needed to keep trying harder to live my life for Christ.
Recently I had been in another period of doubting my salvation. It was during this time that I heard a message from my pastor, Josh Fryman. In this message he heavily emphasized that the most important part of repentance is not what you turn away from, but rather who you are turning to. I think I had heard it before, but this was the first time I really started to grasp the difference between them. I had always thought that repentance was more about being sorry for your sins and deciding you didn't want them anymore, that you'd rather have salvation. I began to examine my salvation testimony and trying to remember what exactly I had been thinking when I made that profession of faith. I couldn't quite remember, but I told myself that I was turning away from sin and therefore turning to God. After all, I had told the Lord that I wanted to give up my sins and accept his gift of salvation. That's pretty much the same thing right...? And so, I tried to push aside the doubt and conviction; but I couldn't quite get rid of it. So I prayed that if I wasn't saved that God would show me the truth and help me understand what I was missing.
Through this time, I was especially feeling the tiredness and stress of trying to live a life that I wasn't equipped for. When I sang, it felt like an act and not like the worship that it should have been. When I prayed it felt hollow. I realized that when I prayed I never addressed God as my heavenly Father, only as the Lord. When I tried to address Him as my heavenly Father, it didn't feel real. It felt empty. I realized that I was lacking that relationship with Him that I knew I should have if I was a Christian. I began thinking about how much I wished I had that relationship with God that I knew other Christians had. I wanted that relationship with a heavenly Father, but it just felt out of reach.
Sunday morning, Josh was speaking about James, the brother of Jesus. He showed how it was evident from Scripture that James, despite being raised in a very religious home and probably having a very good education of the Hebrew scriptures, hadn't believed in Jesus as the Messiah during his time and ministry on earth. But none the less, we have the book of James in our Bibles, and he is referred to by Paul as an apostle. How could that be the case if he didn't believe in Jesus? It is because he met the resurrected Christ and believed in Him. He had to stop committing to a way of life, and committ instead to the risen Christ. As I sat there listening to this, I began putting it together with what I already knew in my head. I knew that I hadn't truly repented because I hadn't committed to Christ, but rather to abstaining from sin. I also knew that I was lacking a relationship with God that is only gained by committing yourself to the resurrected Christ and welcoming Him into your heart. This was my problem. I had essentially committed to living a life without sin in exchange for the benefits of salvation. I had never committed to a relationship with God, and that is the most important detail of salvation. I realize now that in leaving out the relationship with God, I had made salvation all about the benefits it provides. Though it is a part of it, salvation is not solely about freedom from sin and escape from hell. The core of salvation is a relationship with our Saviour. That is why hell is described as absence from the Father, to live eternity alone with the knowledge that you could have spent it with the one being who loves you and cares for you more than any other. A relationship with Jesus as my Saviour and with God the Father is what I needed more than anything. I had to come to the understanding that freedom from sin and escape from hell is a byproduct of a relationship with Christ and not the other way around.
As I sat in my chair thinking about these things, I began to tell myself that I needed to wait. What if I was allowing emotion to cloud my judgement? The last thing I wanted was to make another false profession. Maybe I should go home and just think it over some more first. Maybe I needed to talk to Josh first and let him know about my doubts and what I had been thinking, and to see what he thought. About that time I heard Josh saying that James didn't wait to serve the Lord. James and the other apostles didn't say let's wait and see if your belief and commitment is real first. James began immediately. He knew what was right and he did it. That was exactly what I needed to hear. I didn't need to wait to be sure. I didn't need to talk to a man for verification. I knew the truth. God had communicated it clearly to me. And so, I decided right there in my seat to welcome Christ into my heart and begin a relationship with Him, to accept Him as my Saviour, and to give my life to Him to do with as He pleases.